My Expectations

My expectations are simply that you’d love me
And that you’d be proud of who I am.
Because I am you,
You have imprinted who you are on me and I am the signature that has been signed onto the world.

My birth was your love letter to life.
I haven’t been able to fully read the language of your DNA
So I often times find myself crossing your T’s your and dotting your eyes with my own tears pregnant with your guilt and
Finishing sentences that you left as fragments for me to figure out and complete on my own.
And Sometimes I want to write back to you and say, “I miss you and I need you.”

Mother and Son sign a contract at birth
That says every time son says, “Mom,” Mom would be God.
For Mother is the name of God in the lips of all little children.
But now at 24 I’ve realized that God doesn’t exist

I’ve been battling with your absence and I have to admit that for a long I was losing.
Trying to throw stones at you while living in a house with mirrors that concoct your reflection every time I look in them.
Trying to find you in me outlining our palms, ears and nose in a mirror
Only to get distracted by feelings of abandonment from not finding answers to questions like “Why don’t you want me and if you didn’t want me then why didn’t you abort me in the first place?”

I look at you and realize, I’ll never know the answer to that.
All I know is every time you say you don’t want me it feels like you’ve put me up for adoption again and now that I’m going on the “something teenth time”
I’m beginning to find peace in the rejection.

I’ve accepted the marriage of our past and my future because it’s proof
That I get to live for something. Even though the sound of truth will never be upon my ears. I’m always open to it.

I’ve learned that, sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologizes or changes. So I’m not worried whether or not you’ll ever know me. I’ve loved you, taken you in my heart and out of love I will release you and leave it to life to feed back truth to us in its own way and time.

2 Comments

  1. Fucking amazing, glad I made you admin of the Donner Party – intelligence and a knack for the written word – go ahead and use that if admin status lets you post updates – get creative.

    Like

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